


A Spud's Tale

by Metal_Chocobo



Series: Swords are Remarkably Useless [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, M/M, Minnesota Wild, Phil Kessel Potato Fairy, Potatoes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 21:49:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2404130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_Chocobo/pseuds/Metal_Chocobo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The magical adventures of Charlie Coyle, potato farmer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Spud's Tale

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially inspired when I was trying to cheer up Special thanks to [mardia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mardia) for betaing. by telling her a story on the fly as the Wild were having a Bad Game. Some time later I realized it was a coherent story and decided to write it out. She insists that she had no part in the creation of this fic, but then went and provided the summary.

There once was a potato farmer named Charlie Coyle. To be fair he grew more than just potatoes. Mostly beans, but also wheat and squash. He had never gotten the hang of tomatoes. The point was, the Coyles had been associated with potatoes for generations and so Charlie was a potato farmer. Charlie spent most of this time weeding his fields, half of which generally contained potatoes.

One day while Charlie was working in his fields a wizard walked up to him. Charlie knew he was a wizard because he wore a baggy robe and a pointy hat, even if he didn’t have much of a beard. He looked young for a wizard too, which might explain the beard. When the wizard got close he pulled out a sword. Charlie lifted his hoe. He might just be a peasant, but he wouldn’t let a wizard murder him.

“I have been searching for you Charlie Coyle,” the wizard said. “My name is Mikko Koivu and I am a wizard.”

“Okay,” Charlie said. He didn’t lower the hoe. Mikko still held a naked blade.

“You are destined for greatness, Charlie Coyle,” Mikko said. He offered the sword to Charlie hilt first. “Take this sword and climb to the top of the tallest mountain in the range over yonder. You must rescue the heir to the throne.”

“Okay,” Charlie said. He dropped his hoe and took the sword. The wizard was probably crazy, but he could use a few days break from weeding.

“Do you have any questions?” Mikko asked.

“Not really. Climb a mountain. Rescue a princess. Seems pretty straight forward,” Charlie said with a shrug. “I’m a peasant. We do what we’re told.”

“That’s not quite what I said, but… well, you’ll figure it out. You seem like an agreeable fellow,” Mikko laughed. He disappeared in a puff of smoke. Charlie scratched his head. Sure he had heard stories of wizards disappearing in a puff of smoke, but he had never seen it before. The smoke smelled like boiled cabbage.

Charlie hefted the sword, picked up his lunch and set off for the mountain. It was a fairly short walk. Charlie’s family lived in the rocky foothills of the range, which is why they had to be so careful with how they farmed. The soil was too poor for careless farm work. Otherwise they couldn’t grow enough food to survive.

Climbing the mountain was a different matter entirely. The path was steep and uneven. Charlie wondered if the path was actually a channel for snowmelt in spring. It was covered with slippery little pebbles that threatened to send him tumbling back to the bottom. Now the sword came in handy. Charlie began using it was a walking stick after he almost accidently beheaded himself slipping on some rocks. The tip of the blade easily sliced through the stones and into the ground as if it were warm butter about to be smeared on mashed potatoes. With the sword driven into the ground each step of the ascent was much easier.

Charlie stopped for the night when he could no longer differentiate between the rocks and his feet. He didn’t need to cut off any toes. Life was hard enough as a potato farmer with all his toes intact. Charlie made camp by stumbling a few feet off the beaten track and sitting down under a bush. He used the sword to hack off a few branches of the bush, made a nest, ate a cold baked potato, and fell asleep.

Charlie woke up with a troll’s face in his own. The troll had a large flat face with an equally large flat nose. Brown wiry hair grew out of his ears and patchily across the rest of his face. The troll’s jaw fell open and he breathed hot sticky breathes right on the farmer’s face, which smelled like rotting meat. Trolls had a reputation of taunting their victims before eating them. The troll had probably woken Charlie up specifically to scare him.

“What have you got for Cookie to eat?” the troll asked. He sat on Charlie’s chest. There was no easy way for him to get away.

“Potato?” Charlie offered. He held one up.

The troll’s tongue slipped out through the gap in his front teeth. It looked like one had been knocked out. The tongue slithered across the potato and then the troll snarled. Apparently trolls didn’t like potatoes. So Charlie jammed the spud as hard as he could into the troll’s eye. The troll howled and scratched at the eye-covered tuber in his eye. Charlie shoved the troll as hard as possible, knocking the monster off his chest, and scrambled to his feet. He picked up the sword and then realized he had no idea how to use it. He was a potato farmer, not a knight.

The troll charged him. He was a fast monster with razor sharp claws that were extremely painful when they came in contact with Charlie’s face. He was able to get out of the way mostly, but the troll tore his lip up pretty good. Charlie kicked him away and swung the sword. It made a fancy wooshing noise with sparkles, but missed the troll entirely. Swinging the sword was unwieldy enough he almost fell.

“Why couldn’t Mikko have given me a magic shovel?” Charlie muttered to himself. “I’d have known how to use that!”

“Cookie going to eat you!” the troll bellowed before charging.

Charlie hefted the sword again. He still knew nothing about swords. He was going to end up dead if he tried using a sword to defeat the troll. So instead Charlie pretended he had his hoe and was about to eradicate a particularly troubling rat in his field. With a definitive chop Charlie beheaded the troll and sent the head soaring away.

Charlie lowered the sword with a sigh. He wasn’t dead yet. That was a relief. His chin hurt and when he touched it his hand came away bloody. He probably needed stitches and all he had besides the sword was potatoes. Charlie really wished Mikko had given him something more useful than a sword. Like a magic healing potion. Really, Charlie’s own hatchet would have been more useful on this adventure. Wizards were far too obsessed with magic swords. Charlie didn’t have a magic potion, only the sword and his potatoes. So he cut one potato open and pressed the fresh edge against his lip. Hey, if potatoes could cure warts, maybe they could heal wounds too.

Charlie returned to the path and resumed his climb. He could have gone back to sleep, but there could be more trolls around. He wanted to avoid any more if he could. Besides, the troll corpse was already starting to smell. Charlie was more than ready to get this rescue mission over with. He had fields to tend after all.

The birds came out and the sun rose and Charlie continued his climb. The rest of his hike was uneventful save for the fact he learned a few new birdcalls. It was dusk when the path suddenly stopped rising. The change was so abrupt and unexpected that Charlie stepped on air only to fall on his face. When he got back on his feet he had a much better understanding of the situation.

The peak of the mountain had been hewn off leaving a fairly level field as the apex. The mountain’s top had been cut off below the tree line because Charlie could see a few intermittently dispersed across the area, but what really drew his attention was the castle. At least, he thought it was a castle. Charlie had never actually seen a castle before as the local baron lived in a manor and this was the farthest he had ever gone from home. However the building was massive and made of stones as tall as he was so Charlie felt comfortable calling it a castle.

He walked straight up to the castle. Charlie briefly knocked on the door, but quickly stopped. He doubted the inhabitants could hear him through the door and since he was here to rescue a princess he probably didn’t want to meet her captors. That was how Charlie entered the castle by sliding through the gap between the door and the floor.

The inside of the castle seemed even larger than the outside. Charlie wandered down the massive corridors looking for signs of life. By the time he traversed his third hallway he was ready to meet anyone, including a giant. This place was too big for anyone but a giant. Charlie was cold, tired, and hungry. Looking up he spotted the moon high in the sky through one of the windows, which meant he had been looking around inside for hours. It was time for a break.

Charlie scaled one of the elegantly curved legs of a side table. He wanted to reach the spluttering candle stub that was fueling a flame the size of a bonfire. He could warm himself and cook his food at the same time. Once he reached the fire Charlie stuck the last of his potatoes on his sword. Then he jammed the pommel of the blade into the soft way runoff to hold his potatoes near the fire. He sat down next to the sword and for the first time in ages just relaxed.

When his potatoes were properly roasted he just sliced the tubers off the blade and ate the succulent spuds. He was finally warm and fed, so it was of little surprise to Charlie that he could finally feel his aches and pains. He wasn’t used to mountain hiking and, while the labor wasn’t any worse than his work in the fields, he usually did it on a full night’s sleep. He touched his face and grimaced. It felt like a mess and was extremely painful. There was still nothing he could do about it. The potato hadn’t helped and he had yet to see anyone who could sew his lip up. At he drifted off to sleep Charlie decided that if he didn’t find some sign of this princess tomorrow he was writing this whole adventuring thing off and going home.

Charlie woke when a large hand clamped around him. He panicked before reaching for his sword, but his efforts were in vain. The hand hugged him tighter than iron shackles from his shoulders to his knees. He could barely breathe, much less more or stop the giant connected to the hand from picking him up and carrying him away. Charlie wondered if the great things Mikko said he was destined for were bread.

Those fears seemed confirmed when the giant carried him into the kitchen. Charlie was unceremoniously dropped on a counter top before the giant wandered over to a set of cabinets to ruffle through them. The potato farmer was up on his feet in an instant looking for a way to fight or flee. The pickings were pretty slim. Charlie had to be at least two stories off the ground and the counter’s siding was too smooth to climb down. This giant didn’t have the decency to get drawer pulls that could double as ladder rungs.

So fleeing wasn’t an option, but fighting was much better. There was a massive rolling pin almost as tall as Charlie was and several lengths longer. He tried pushing it, in homes that maybe he could drop it on the giant’s foot, but found it as difficult to roll as one of the massive trees downed in a storm near his farm. He’d need several cousins and an ox to move it. The only other thing he could find were a few scattered toothpicks. They were long enough to be swords of staves, but probably wouldn’t do the giant much harm. Still, Charlie figured a pinprick was better than going out without a fight. Maybe he could rip the giant’s throat out when he went down. He picked up a toothpick and got ready to fight.

The giant returned with a mixing bowl. When he was within range Charlie stabbed him in the hand causing the giant to drop the bowl the last few inches onto the counter. The giant pulled his hand away before Charlie could grab on and sucked on his wound. He glared down at Charlie, but didn’t retaliate. This emboldened Charlie.

“Giant, release the princess!” Charlie shouted. He hoped that was the proper way to order a giant around. Having never met a giant before he was working off knowledge gleaned from drunken bard’s tales. If nothing else this adventure Mikko had sent him on was widening his worldview. “I am here to rescue her!”

“There aren’t any princesses here,” the giant said. His forehead turned into a mass of hills and valleys as he scratched his bearded jaw. “Could you be referring to Prince Jonas?”

“Prince?” Charlie asked. He couldn’t exactly remember what the wizard had said, but princesses were the ones that always needed saving. Besides, his kingdom had Princess Hilary as the heir, not a prince.

“Yes, Prince Jonas,” the giant said relaxing. He grabbed Charlie before the potato farmer could even react. “He’s trapped in my bread box.”

“Your bread box,” Charlie said. He was trying to keep up with the flow of conversation but mostly found it confusing. At least the giant didn’t want to eat him. Maybe he was a benign giant. Charlie had never heard of such a thing, but he had also never heard of potato farmer heroes or princes trapped in breadboxes.

“Yes, he mistook it for my little people quarters—I have my mother’s old dollhouse set up in one of the guest rooms for you folk, it’s a bit ostentatious, but gets the job done—and broke the lid when he tried to shut it behind him.”

“Okay,” Charlie said. He wriggled in the benign giant’s grip. “Can you loosen your grip a bit?”

“Certainly,” the benign giant said. He opened his hand and almost dropped Charlie in the process. The potato farmer hadn’t been expecting to be let go. He had to cling to the hand to keep from falling.

“Why couldn’t you rescue this Prince Jonas yourself?” Charlie asked. He wanted to make certain the giant was really benign and that he wasn’t about to send this prince to his doom.

“I tried to get him out, but my butterfingers accidently crushed the bread box a bit,” the benign giant said sheepishly. “I don’t want to crush him, so I’m not touching the box again.”

“Okay,” Charlie said. He’d check with Prince Jonas but that made sense to him. The benign giant set him down next to a slightly crumpled box the size of Charlie’s house. He could see why the prince made the mistake.

“The sooner you get him out the better,” the benign giant said. “He’s been trapped in there for three days. I’m getting worried.”

That was a bit worrying to hear. As Charlie walked up to the breadbox he hoped the prince hadn’t died of thirst. He had gotten here as fast as he couldn’t. Charlie knocked on the lid.

“Prince Jonas?” he called out. “How are you doing in there?”

“Toasty,” came a muffled response from inside the box. At least the prince was alive.

“There’s a giant here who says you got stuck in there by accident…” Charlie trailed off. He didn’t exactly know how to ask if the giant was safe while he was standing right there. That would be rude.

“That would be Rupp. He’s pretty decent as giants go,” Prince Jonas said. He seemed to understand Charlie’s unasked question. “He doesn’t bother with eating people because it’s too much trouble.”

“Okay,” Charlie said, nodding. “Let’s see if we can get you out.”

The breadbox was a fairly simple design. It was a large metal box welded together, except for the lid, which was connected with two hinges. If one were a giant they could open the box by pulling on the knob of the lid, then when done getting bread, let go to have the box shut on its own. Charlie’s mum had a box like this at home. The only other difference besides size between that one and this one was that this one had been a bit warped and crumpled around the edges. If Rupp tried to pull the lid open it wouldn’t come up now.

“Rupp,” Charlie said, eyeing the hinges. “Have you seen my sword?” If the rocks and troll were any indication Charlie could cut this box open in a matter of seconds with the magic sword. Mikko had given him a glorified can opener.

“What sword?” Rupp asked.

“The sword I had with me,” Charlie said, the pitch of his voice rising unintentionally. “It was on the candle holder next to me. In the wax!”

“Uh-oh,” Rupp said. “I already dumped that lot in my pot of boiling wax.”

“Your pot of boiling wax?”

“I reuse the wax from my old candles to make new ones with fresh wicks. That means I keep a pot of wax near boiling at all times. Your sword is probably on the bottom of the pot by now.”

“Donkey piss,” Charlie said weakly. He’d liked to have used far stronger language, but his mother had raised him to be a polite young man.

“I’m sorry,” Rupp said, “but your weapons are just so tiny and my eyes aren’t what they used to be. Can you get him out some other way?”

“We’ll have to use force,” Charlie said, gritting his teeth. “Prince Jonas, have you made any progress escaping?”

“How could I? I’m up to my waist in bread,” Prince Jonas called back.

“So you’ve just been loafing around for the last three days?” Charlie asked.

“I can hardly move, much less rescue myself!” Prince Jonas shouted.

“I bread your pardon, your highness,” Charlie chuckled. “Under such loaf or death circumstances I would have thought you’d rise for the occasion. It’s the yeast you can do.”

“Are you done with the bread puns?” Prince Jonas asked. “Because I’d like to be rescued before I die of old age.” Charlie grinned as he cracked his knuckles and rolled up his sleeves.

“Let’s see what raw force can do,” he said.

Apparently not much. Charlie was a strong man. He was used to working in the fields for as long as there was light in the sky. Weeding, planting, hoeing, digging, and ripping tree roots out of the ground had given Charlie a muscular frame with strong shoulders. He felt confident he could muscle his way into the box with raw force, if not rip the lid off the hinges. Instead all Charlie managed to do was wrench his back. The lid stayed firmly in place.

“Who built this breadbox to be stronger than a fortress?” Charlie panted. He leaned against the lid. His back hurt worse than it did after the week he spent clearing old man Harding’s field of tree stumps.

“I guess there isn’t enough metal in your muscle to force this box open,” Prince Jonas said.

“I was wrong,” Charlie agreed. “A crowbar or a pick and mallet might get the job done.”

“So you agree I wouldn’t be able to free myself from this box with half my body encased in rye.”

“Yes,” Charlie agreed. He banged on the door. “You’d need super human strength to rip this open.”

“Aren’t you sorry you made the bread puns then?” Prince Jonas asked.

“Blast it, yes!” Charlie snapped. He rammed the lid with his shoulder, which was stupid. All that did was hurt his shoulder.

“Calm down! You don’t have to be sourdough,” Prince Jonas said. “We can both enjoy a good bread pun or two. I just didn’t like how all of yours were at my expense.”

“I’m sorry,” Charlie said. This time he was sincere. It must be frustrating to be lodged in bread up to the navel for three days. He should really try to be nicer to the prince. “I completely understand mistaking this box for a house. It looks just like one. But how did you get lodged in the bread?”

“Is that what Rupp said?” Prince Jonas sounded amused. “He’s a good friend, but the fault is entirely my own. I was trying to add more tea leaves to the kettle when I slipped off the side. Rupp had propped his bread box open so that I wouldn’t starve or get trapped inside—I know, ironic—and I fell feet first into a hot freshly baked loaf of raisin rye.”

“Ouch,” Charlie said. He had burned his hands on enough loaves of potato bread over the years that he couldn’t imagine the pain of being trapped to his waist in hot bread. Prince Jonas must have been badly burned.

“It turns out one standard sized prince falling off a giant’s kettle has enough momentum to knock a giant’s breadbox off the counter. The box and I crashed to the ground. Luckily the bread cushioned my fall, but the lid was damaged.” Prince Jonas cleared his throat. “Rupp found the box and tried to get me out, but just made it… worse.

“That’s quite the story,” Charlie said. His back felt better after the rest, but he had definitely screwed up his shoulder. He stretched as best he could. “Right then, I’d best find something else to free you with, your highness.”

“Just ‘Jonas’ will do,” Prince Jonas said. “I’d rather you spent your energy on freeing me than needless formalities. Besides, I don’t feel very princely trapped in a breadbox.”

“Okay,” Charlie smiled.

With Rupp’s help he assembled all the tools Charlie thought he’d need for a successful jailbreak. This included a stack of toothpicks, a butter knife, and the tiniest meat mallet Rupp had. The mallet was still about the size of a sledgehammer for Charlie. They also made a trip to the little people’s quarters—Charlie believed it was once a lord’s actual castle before one of Rupp’s more malevolent ancestors took it home as a dollhouse—for Prince Jonas’s gear. While fetching the prince’s things Charlie liberated some rope and an axe. He knew exactly what he needed the axe for and extra rope always came in handy.

It was time for Charlie to start the next rescue attempt. Charlie rubbed his hands on his trousers before picking up a toothpick. He jammed the wooden stake into the hinge as far as he could. Charlie grabbed the meat mallet and swung it up to his shoulder. He eyed the wooden pole before lifting up the hammer and smashing it against the wood as hard as he could. The toothpick sunk into the hinge a few inches. Charlie twisted back and repeated the gesture. The toothpick shattered. Charlie dropped the mallet, grabbed another toothpick and slotted it into the old one’s place before resuming.

Each smash of the hammer drove the wood farther into the hinge. As more of the wood filled the hinge it pushed the original metal rod out. When the metal rod was fully extracted Charlie repeated the process on the other hinge. Charlie traded the hammer for the ax. He chopped at the wood in the gapes of the hinges until they were clear. Once this feat was completed he dropped the ax and sank to the ground. The hinges were now free. He could now pry the lid open from that side after he gathered the energy.

“What’s going on?” Prince Jonas called out. “The noise stopped. Did you hurt yourself?”

“No,” Charlie lied. His back was on fire. It felt like he had dislocated both his shoulders. “Just need a short rest before I bust this box open.”

“I shall make you a lord when we get home, Sir Knight,” Prince Jonas said. Charlie had to laugh at that.

“Okay,” Charlie said, “but I bet you’ll reconsider that offer before I get you home, Jonas.”

“I doubt that,” Prince Jonas said. He sounded a bit sulky to Charlie. “You haven’t told me anything about yourself. I don’t even know your name.”

“Oh, I’m nobody important,” Charlie said, rising to his feet. He lifted the oversized butter knife—oversized was really an understatement, the knife was longer than he was—and gently set it against the hairline crack where the lid connected with the box. “But if you want a name, it’s Charlie. Charlie Coyle at your service.”

He let out a slow breath and then jabbed the blade into the crack. Only the tip of the knife made it into the breadbox, but Charlie figured that was enough. Gripping the edge of the handle as best he could Charlie yanked down on the blade as hard as he could, throwing his full weight behind the move. There was a great screech and for a second the thought he had pulled his arms out of his sockets. An even louder groan emanated from above his head followed by a twanging sound and Charlie fell to the floor. He had snapped off the tip of the butter knife.

Rolling onto his side Charlie looked up at the breadbox. The hinges looked exactly the same as before. Charlie hissed in frustration. He had thought there would at least be a fragment of butter knife lodged in the box. His body was broken, he was out of ideas, and he had yet to make a dent in the box trapping Prince Jonas. At the rate things were going he’d have to swim through the vat of boiling wax and retrieve Mikko’s magic sword if he waned to rescue Prince Jonas.

“I can see light and it burns my eyes!” Prince Jonas cried. “But that’s a good thing. I was worried I had lost my sight in the fall.”

“Okay,” Charlie said.

His plan was working after all. With this new knowledge came a burst of energy. If he wanted to get that lid off he’d need a new strategy and probably use his full body strength. Charlie stood thinking for a minute before bending down and picking up the coiled rope. He threaded the rope through the iron loops connected to the lid, bypassing those on the box. Seeing as he had finished threading the rope through the loops Charlie wrapped the excess around his chest and torso. Then he tied the two ends together in a great knot. He imagined he looked like the family draft horse yoked to the plow. Charlie began trotting. As soon as he ran out of rope it was like hitting a wall. That was when the real work started. The groaning shriek started as soon as he had to pull. Then slowly, little by little Charlie moved forward.

Charlie thought he had gone deaf until there was an awful twanging sound and the shriek stopped. The sudden slack in his harness had him fall flat on his face. He lay there panting. He was totally spent. Nothing was getting up again. He had freed the prince. His job was done.

At least, that’s what he thought until Charlie heard Prince Jonas calling his name. He didn’t even realize he could still move until he was crawling on his hands and knees into the breadbox. Prince Jonas didn’t even have to say anything to get Charlie tearing at the raisin rye trapping him. When the prince fell on him Charlie pulled him close as he shakily rose to his feet.

“Thank you,” Prince Jonas said as Charlie carried him out of the breadbox. It looked like he was going to say more, but Charlie passed out before he could tell.

He woke up in a large feather down bed. It was large by human standards, but certainly not giant sized Charlie had never felt anything half as soft before. He never wanted to move again. Nothing this wonderful existed in Charlie’s world, so it was obvious he had died and this was his ultimate reward. He just hadn’t realized he would get hungry in heaven. Charlie could really go for a platter of friend potatoes.

“Oh good. You’re awake,” Prince Jonas said.

This was a surprise. Prince Jonas wasn’t supposed to be dead, Charlie was sure he had rescued him in time. He rolled onto his side to get a better look at the prince and his back turned into a mass of pain. Okay, maybe he wasn’t dead.

“W-Where are we?” Charlie stammered.

“Rupp’s guest castle,” Prince Jonas said. “Sorry about the bed. It’s the best I could find, but you can’t expect century old beds to be anything but lumpy.”

“It’s fine,” Charlie said. He couldn’t imagine a better bed.

“We thought you had died when you collapsed like that,” Prince Jonas said. “Rupp wanted to eat you but I said no.”

“Thank you,” Charlie said.

Prince Jonas smiled. It was kind of an awful smile. He was exposing too much teeth and gum. His lips were pulled tight enough that they had turned white and his eyes were half squeezed shut. Really, it almost looked more like a grimace than a smile, but Charlie recognized it for what it was. His grandfather had smiled the same way when he was alive. He had never gotten enough practice smiling so he had never been certain how to did it, which resulted in trying too hard. This prince must be the same way. That thought made Charlie grin back.

“I need to get back to my kingdom,” Prince Jonas said.

“Okay,” Charlie said.

“The burns are still bad enough I can’t walk. You’ll have to carry me.”

“Okay.”

“It’s a two day walk down the mountain and a week’s ride back to the castle.”

“Okay.”

“We’ll also have to pass by a highly venomous hydra that likes to snack on people.”

“Okay,” Charlie said, frowning. “I don’t quite know how we can manage that, but okay. We can figure this out.”

“The hydra’s actually quite easy to bypass if you have the proper notarized paperwork,” Prince Jonas said. “I was just wondering how you would react to it. You’re awfully agreeable.”

“You’re the second person to say that to me this week,” Charlie said.

“Maybe because it’s true?” Prince Jonas suggested. This time when he smiled it looked a touch more natural.

Charlie just shrugged, not knowing what else to say. That was a mistake, though not quite as bad as it would have been yesterday. His shoulders were still dislocated but they hurt less. Either he was getting used to the pain or they were mending. Charlie hoped for the latter, but suspected the former. He wasn’t that quick of a healer.

“Are you ready to carry me home?” Prince Jonas asked.

“Okay,” Charlie said.

Rupp actually carried them out of his castle to the edge of the mountaintop. It turned out he felt guilty for accidentally squashing Prince Jonas’s steed when he mistook it for a horsefly. If the insects giants dealt with got so massive that they were a threat to them Charlie certainly never wanted to meet them. He still wasn’t keen on the idea of being anyone’s lunch.

Once Rupp had tromped away Charlie turned to Prince Jonas to examine him. Prince Jonas was a willowy fellow, but he was still a full-grown man. The giant had shaved half a day’s walk off their journey, but the descent would be slower with the heavy load. Also, Charlie was worried about how slippery this trail would be. The last thing either man needed was to fall and slide down the side of the mountain. Charlie gritted his teeth and kneeled down beside the prince. He figured this couldn’t be worse than the year they had to plow all the Coyle fields without their draft horse because he had colic.

Prince Jonas leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Charlie’s neck. He inched his body closer to Charlie’s back, hissing in pain with each movement. Charlie politely ignored them. When he could feel knees on either side he reached down and grasped the prince’s thighs. There was a royal howl. Charlie apologized. However, there wasn’t any other way to carry him so Charlie had to grab his legs again. Prince Jonas didn’t cry out this time, but he did almost choke the potato farmer as he rose to his feet. They started the decent in near silence.

The hike was far better than Charlie imagined. Prince Jonas was alarmingly light and after a few hours of mind searing pain Charlie couldn’t feel his back. The trail was also an actual trail free of debris, though he suspected its main travelers were goats. They made excellent time and reached Prince Jonas’s first campsite from his ascent.

That night Charlie built a campfire while Prince Jonas unpacked their provisions. Rupp had packed boiled cabbage soup for them. The benign giant was mostly vegetarian. After they finished eating they sat around the fire for a bit longer. The warmth was soothing, but mostly it was just nice not to have to move. Prince Jonas seemed happy and relaxed, which made Charlie comfortable enough to ask him a nagging question.

“Umm, Prince Jonas,” Charlie began.

“I told you that you can just call me Jonas, Charlie,” Prince Jonas said. “Surely we’re friends by now.”

“Jonas then,” Charlie said feeling weird. He took a deep breath. “Why were you on the mountaintop in the first place? I mean, from what you’ve said and I’ve seen it’s not like Rupp kidnapped you.”

“No, I visited Rupp of my own volition,” Prince Jonas said. “I made the journey to use Rupp’s library in hopes of finding a cure.”

“A cure for what?” Charlie asked.

“Currently my kingdom is suffering from a plague of potatoes,” Prince Jonas said gravely.

“A potato famine? That’s awful!”

“Not a famine, a plague. It’s a curse from the Potato Fairy,” Prince Jonas explained.

“Not Phil,” Charlie said, astounded. “He’s one of the nicest blokes I know. Did you know he keeps track of all the potatoes he helps and grows all the spuds he uses for cooking?”

“I know that now,” Prince Jonas said. “Phil brought a tater tot hotdish to the feast celebrating the anniversary of my uncle’s coronation. One of my men insulted his cooking.”

“Oh dear,” Charlie said.

“You don’t insult a fairy’s gift. Especially not to his face,” Prince Jonas said. “Scandi is gifted with many things but discretion isn’t one of them. He called the hotdish bland and insisted it had an unpleasing texture in his mouth. Then he asked what it was made of.”

“Phil’s tater tot hotdish is the best around,” Charlie insisted. He felt indignant on Phil’s behalf. “It’s perfect the way it is! You don’t even have to add ketchup!”

“When Scandi heard it was made out of potatoes he laughed. Right in the Potato Fairy’s face. Then he said that explained everything because potatoes are boring and useless.”

“Nooo. He did not say that,” Charlie breathed. “Not to Phil the Potato Fairy’s face!”

“Phil’s face turned russet,” Prince Jonas said. “He declared that until we learned the true value of a potato we could grow nothing but and then vanished with a bang.”

“Did he leave a cabbage smell?” Charlie asked, eager for details.

“No he… that’s a wizard thing, Charlie,” Prince Jonas said. “Fairies use a completely different system to get around.”

“Oh.”

“All of our crops are coming up as potatoes. We thought the corn was alright until the husk was peeled back to reveal potato instead of a beautiful golden ear. We don’t know what to do with them. People have gotten sick eating these things.”

“Did they eat a green potato?” Charlie asked. “Never eat a green potato. Those are toxic.”

“The point is we don’t know what to do with these potatoes,” Prince Jonas said rolling his eyes. “The only time we deal in potatoes is when we import potato bread. In the mean time the royal granary is being drained to keep the populace alive. If we don’t solve the potato problem soon I fear half the population will starve during the winter.”

“What have you been doing with the potatoes?”

“Since people almost died from eating them? Burning them for fuel,” Prince Jonas sighed. “We’re up to our ears in potatoes.”

“What a waste of good potatoes!” Charlie cried.

“Uncle Ryan has worked so hard fixing this kingdom,” Prince Jonas said dejectedly. He was ignoring Charlie’s outburst. “I don’t know how we’ll face the King’s Summit. This is far worse than Princess Hilary’s exploits. All she did was relentlessly hit on her fairy godmother.”

“You know you can survive eating nothing but potatoes if you eat enough of them,” Charlie said. “My family has to do that for several month stretches in the bad winter years.”

“How?” Prince Jonas asked.

“The skins are nutritious. Eat enough brown taters that were kept in a cool dark place and you can last for months,” Charlie continued. “When you have more supplies than just potatoes you can make hundreds or even thousands of different dishes. The spud is really a magical food.”

“D-Do you know how to make these dishes?” Prince Jonas asked.

“Certainly not all of them and my ma is a much better cook than I’ll ever be, but I know how to make thirty or forty of them. A lot more if you have a good dairy supply.”

“How is it you have exactly the information I set out on my quest to find?” Prince Jonas asked. “You save my life and now you’re going to save my kingdom. No one knows anything about potatoes!”

“That’s an easy one, Jonas,” Charlie laughed. “I’m not a knight, I’m a potato farmer.”

Prince Jonas’s jaw dropped. Then he lunged forward at Charlie. Charlie was so surprised by this unexpected behavior that he was wholly unprepared for any pressure on his back. When Prince Jonas’s arms wrapped around him for a tight heartfelt hug it left Charlie screaming in agony. The prince immediately released him.

“Sorry about that,” Charlie said.

“You’re hurt,” Prince Jonas accused. “You can’t be hurt, you said you weren’t hurt!”

“I lied?” Charlie offered. “I think I dislocated both my shoulders getting you out of the breadbox.”

“You carried me down a mountain with two dislocated shoulders?” Prince Jonas shrieked. His face had turned bright red and what Charlie could see of his neck and collar were a rosey pink. “If you kill yourself before we get home I’m going to make you regret it! You have to break the curse! You have to teach us the true value of the potato! You have to save my kingdom.”

With each scream Prince Jonas’s voice got higher and his face redder. Charlie was worried he was going to pass out. That would resolve nothing. He needed to fix things before Prince Jonas melted down like one of his baby cousins. So Charlie did exactly what he’d do to a toddler. He pulled Prince Jonas close and smooshed his face into his chest while lightly rubbing his back. Every time the prince tried to make a noise or thrash Charlie would shush him.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m fine, you’re safe and we’ll fix the kingdom,” Charlie said. It wasn’t until Prince Jonas stopped struggling that Charlie realized manhandling a prince wasn’t a great idea. He released him and apologized sheepishly.

“I have never been handled like that before in my life!” Prince Jonas shouted outraged.

“Then it’s good to try new things?”

“Lie down on your belly,” Prince Jonas snapped. “That’s a royal order.”

Being a potato farmer Charlie did as he was told. He hoped the prince still felt his head was more valuable attached to his body than not because he didn’t have a good way to defend himself. If Prince Jonas unsheathed his sword then Charlie was running for it and leaving him to the trolls. Charlie may have agreed to take Prince Jonas home, but taking his head was never part of the deal.

Prince Jonas reached a hand out to touch Charlie’s shoulder. There was a pause and then the prince pushed down hard. It was agony for Charlie. He screamed. There was a popping noise and Prince Jonas let go. Charlie lay there like a stunned fish. His back still hurt, but the left side, the one Prince Jonas pushed on, far less. He wiggled that shoulder and the pain didn’t increase. Previously movement had been a mild form of torture.

“What did you do?” Charlie asked.

“Popped your shoulder back in place,” Prince Jonas said smugly. “Now let me do the other one so it will mend.”

Charlie lay there while Prince Jonas fixed his other shoulder. It hurt just as much as the first time, but now Charlie was prepared. He didn’t scream, but he wanted to. His back felt significantly better after the prince was done. He sat up, back only mildly spasming. Prince Jonas ran a thumb over Charlie’s lower lip.

“I’ll need to stitch that up,” he said.

“How did you learn to do all this?” Charlie asked.

“I was training to be a doctor when my eldest uncle and grandfather died unexpectedly making Uncle Ryan the king,” Prince Jonas said sticking a needle in the fire. “Uncle Ryan broke his engagement to Duke Shea of Weblan to come home and rule.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“We almost ended up in a war. I was at school at the time so I don’t know the details, but our wizard Mikko negotiated a treaty and then Uncle Ryan made me his heir,” Prince Jonas said. He pulled the needle out of the fire and threaded it. “I’ve never understood that choice. Uncle Ryan could easily have his own children. He’s king and not hideous. Sir. Zach says Uncle Ryan has the prettiest face at court.”

“Okay,” Charlie said dumbly. He was focusing on Prince Jonas’s face and not his hands.

“Uncle says he’s too busy raising a kingdom to raise children too. So that’s why I’m a prince and not a doctor,” Prince Jonas said. “Really I should be thanking you. I never get to practice my craft.”

Charlie stayed silent until Prince Jonas finished his work. Then he grinned and told the prince he was welcome. Prince Jonas rolled his eyes at that.

The second half of the hike down the mountain was much easier. Even though his bed had been a rocky mountainside Charlie felt more refreshed at the beginning of the second day. He suspected the fact his shoulders were healing properly had something to do with it. That day they went down slower and Prince Jonas insisted on Charlie taking breaks. When they reached the bottom Charlie was sent to buy a horse from a nearby farm. Unfortunately, the farm family had eaten their only horse for sustenance and Charlie refused to come between a family and their cow. So he showed them how to pick out the healthy potatoes and boil them until they were edible. Then he bought their wheelbarrow.

Prince Jonas was annoyed when Charlie returned horseless, but quickly turned somber when Charlie explained what had happened. He climbed into the wheelbarrow without protest. He understood the severity of the situation, perhaps even better than Charlie did in some ways. While he doubted Prince Jonas had ever starved, he had a much better sense of what a famine would do to the entire kingdom.

Over the next two weeks Charlie and Prince Jonas made their way back to the capitol. At night they’d stay with peasants and Charlie would show them two or three different ways to turn potatoes into food. While Prince Jonas had to ride in the wheelbarrow for the first week his injuries had healed enough to allow him to walk unaided after that. From day one he insisted on soaking up everything Charlie said about potatoes like a peeled spud in water. Charlie found himself teaching different farmers different recipes specifically for Prince Jonas. He also stressed the importance of basic sustainable farming practices not for his hosts—though some of them didn’t even know not to let the cows poop in their water supply—but for his royal audience. By the time Prince Jonas was home Charlie was confident he could plant and successfully raise a crop of potatoes then live off the harvest.

When they reached the castle gates Prince Jonas eagerly crossed the drawbridge. Charlie hung back. As far as he was concerned his job was done. He had saved the heir to the throne, gotten him home safely, and taught him the true value of a potato. Prince Jonas could spread the word and save his people now. He no longer had a use for a potato farmer.

“Why are you dawdling, Charlie?” Prince Jonas asked.

“I’m not needed anymore, am I?” Charlie asked. “So I suppose I’d better go home. My ma is probably wondering what happened to me.”

“Charlie, you rescued me and the kingdom,” Prince Jonas said. He re-crossed the drawbridge and grabbed Charlie’s hand. “You’re going to meet my uncle and that’s final.”

“Okay, but I don’t know why.”

“To get your reward! Traditionally kings hand out their daughter’s hand in marriage and half the kingdom for this sort of heroism. Since Uncle Ryan doesn’t have any daughters you’ll be marrying me.”

“But I didn’t do any of this for a reward! And why are you pressing the issue?” Charlie asked exasperated.

“It’s tradition,” Prince Jonas snapped. Then his expression softened into something like a wounded puppy. “Don’t you want to marry me?”

“Wait! Do you want to marry me?” Charlie asked in surprise.

“Yes!” Prince Jonas said.

“Okay,” Charlie said with a nod. “If you want to marry me and think there’ll be a place for me in the kingdom then yes, I will marry you.” They linked hands.

“This is a good match, much better than my other one,” Prince Jonas said. Charlie froze.

“You’re engaged?” Charlie asked.

“Not really,” Prince Jonas said, sounding uncomfortable. “Oscar, the count of Klefbom and my best friend offered. We’re just friends! I don’t think he even likes men, but he felt sorry for me.”

“So he asked you to marry him,” Charlie said flatly.

“It was because of all the girls! I don’t… older women are very forceful,” Prince Jonas said. “He had seen how they swarmed me at balls because I’m the crown prince. After he found me hiding in a wardrobe for the third time because they wouldn’t leave me alone he offered to marry me. Since we announced it they’ve left me alone. Mostly.”

“So it’s not a real engagement?”

“No! Oscar would be delighted for us,” Prince Jonas insisted. “Will you come meet Uncle Ryan now?”

“Okay,” Charlie sighed. “Let’s get this over before I have to out dance a baroness or something.”

King Ryan liked Charlie. He said the potato farmer was very salt of the earth and he could marry Prince Jonas considering how taken the prince was with Charlie. The fact he understood potatoes thrilled the king. He proclaimed that Charlie and Prince Jonas would marry in a fortnight and then tour the realm for their honeymoon, teaching the local communities how to eat and cook potatoes along the way. Like most tasks in life Charlie agreed with an “okay.” He did, however, turn down King Ryan’s offer for any part of the kingdom. Charlie and Prince Jonas would have enough to do without running a kingdom at the same time. Besides, King Ryan was doing a dandy job on his own.

Charlie, now Prince Charlie, and Prince Jonas did as King Ryan requested. By the time winter came the entire realm had a basic understanding of the potato. Casualties were only slightly higher than usual. Prince Jonas insisted his husband had saved the kingdom. To this Charlie just laughed. Mid winter Charlie had a long talk with Phil the Potato Fairy about potatoes. Phil promised that the kingdom had seen the error of their ways and learned to thrive on potatoes. The curse was broken. Crops would grow as they should. However, Charlie promised that henceforth they would also grow potatoes.

As King Ryan was still a young healthy king it would be many years before Charlie or Prince Jonas ascended to the throne. They were still arguing over who would actually accept it, but Charlie had a sinking feeling it would be him; at least it would make his ma proud. So they did what any reasonable rich royal couple would do: they founded an agricultural college. This school was founded on the principle of teaching any who wished sustainable farming practices. Crop rotation and environmentally sound irrigation techniques were cornerstones of the program. The school was built on a land bequest from King Ryan near the hydra’s swamp. Prince Jonas solved the people-eating problem by making her dean and giving her a vested interest in the students’ well being. Obviously, the mascot was a potato with a face and limbs. The students affectionately referred to him as ‘Mr. Potato Head.’

The Royal Agricultural College was such a success that within three years they had to double the number of buildings. At that point Charlie decided to add another department to the college focusing on health and midwifery. When the first girl showed up asking to be admitted to the school Charlie said okay. He hadn’t realized girls weren’t already attending. Prince Jonas was thrilled. They had institated a significant long-lasting improvement to the kingdom and he got to practice medicine.

In the summer the college was closed so students could get home and help on their family farms. That was when Charlie and Prince Jonas returned to the capitol to learn from King Ryan how to be kingly. Life wasn’t perfect. Charlie didn’t know how to dance and he was terrible talking to foreign dignitaries and Prince Jonas had too many cats, but life was good. They rarely fought. Charlie liked Prince Jonas’s jokes and Prince Jonas loved Charlie’s puns. They worked well together and enjoyed each other’s company. Charlie never would have guessed that a wizard wandering into his potato field would change his life so dramatically. One day Charlie would have to thank Mikko for Prince Jonas because Charlie was very happy with his happily ever after.


End file.
